Attachment theory is having its moment! There’s so much information out in the public sphere now—books, podcasts, social media pages, workshops—that it is easy to become overwhelmed by it all and hard to discern what’s true and what’s not.

Personally, I am excited there is a growing public awareness around attachment however I also see a lot of bad or misinformed opinions being published in the public domain. In the end, this kind of misinformation does more harm than good.

Here are answers to some of the more common myths that I see shared online:

1. People with secure attachment had perfect childhoods

It’s a common misconception that people with a secure attachment style had perfect childhoods.

The research on attachment suggests that parents and caregivers do not need to be perfect, they just need to be good enough. In practice, good enough means the bare minimum required for a parent to be present, attuned and attentive to their child’s needs. Attachment researcher Ed Tronick estimated that a caregiver needs to be good enough around 30% of the time for secure attachment to form.

People with secure attachment can have experienced hardship, trauma and other disadvantage in their childhoods but have good enough parents to allow secure attachment to form.

2. If I have an insecure attachment style, there is something wrong with me

An insecure attachment style is actually pretty normal. We may have to work harder to feel safe or secure in a relationship but that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with us or that we’re broken. It’s estimated that around 40% of people have insecure attachment styles (15-20% anxious and 20-25% avoidant), which is almost half the population.

Also, attachment is only one aspect of your make up. There are so many more factors that go into being you and your relating abilities.

3. I need to have secure attachment to have a successful relationship

Many people with insecure attachment styles have safe, secure, satisfying and mutually supportive relationships. Furthermore, these relationships can be the road to security.

It’s also true that secure attachment doesn’t guarantee a successful relationship. People with secure attachment encounter relationship difficulties and stress. They can experience conflict and be victims of relationship abuse and trauma. In fact, secure attachment can be undone and made insecure by unsafe and traumatic relationship experiences.

A secure attachment style may make a relationship likely to encounter fewer problems relating to attachment insecurity­­, however it doesn’t mean that the relationship won’t end or will be successful. Other factors, such as mutual incompatibility, deal breakers or differing values and life trajectories, for example, all play a role in determining a relationship’s success.

A better indicator of whether a relationship will be successful is whether it is secure functioning.

4. If I have an insecure attachment style, I won’t attract a secure partner

While it’s important, attachment style is not a primary motivator in partner choice. There are so many other factors that go into attraction and pairing. Attachment plays a role, but it is not the only part. More often, we pick partners based on familiarity of patterns.

Also, because attachment is fluid, attachment styles can be changeable between relationships. In one relationship we may feel secure and in the next, anxious.

This means it is quite possible that if we have an insecure attachment style we might find ourselves in relationship with someone who is secure. Conversely, we may feel ourselves to be secure but end up in a relationship with someone who isn’t. This doesn’t mean that the relationship won’t work. What’s more important is that it’s secure functioning.

5. You can never heal or change your attachment style

Attachment styles are not set in stone. They can change from one relationship to the next as different partners symbolise different attachment figures. An insecure attachment style can become secure from long-term relationship security. Similarly, secure attachment can become less secure.

Attachment is fluid. It is not a pathology or a condition but describes a behavioural strategy of how we seek safety and soothing in times of relational stress. And like all behaviours, attachment strategies can change and evolve.

The main take away from this is that we can heal and learn to become more secure over time. And that there is nothing wrong with insecurity if it can be supported within a relationship.

Want to build secure attachment? Individual relationship therapy can assist. Reach out today.