Blog
Writings and musings on relating and relationships
How to choose the right partner
When you're playing the dating game, it's hard to have a clear sense of discernment about whether someone is the right person for you. We generally know what we don't want in relationships based on previous experience and a vague idea of what we do want in a...
Repair: your relationship’s secret weapon
Previously, I have written about how to have productive relationship conflict using a basic understanding of neurobiology and communication skills. In this post, I'll discuss how to repair if everything goes horribly wrong. A big reason why many people fear conflict...
Turning relationship conflict into gold: The Art of Communication
In the previous entry, I discussed how relationship conflict primes our nervous system to prepare for danger and threat. I also discussed steps to reduce threat signals to create safer conflict. Understanding the neuroscience behind why we become heightened in...
Turning relationship conflict into relationship gold (Part 2)
Healthy relationship conflict involves understanding some basic neuroscience and employing effective communication strategies. When we get this right, we take the danger out of conflict and minimise the risk of escalation and rupture. Today, I’ll focus on the...
Turning relationship conflict into relationship gold
If there’s one thing people most dread in relationships, it’s conflict. We avoid conflict or treat it as a hallmark of a dysfunctional or failing relationship. It’s understandable why we might have this view. Few of us have models of how to have healthy relationship...
Why relationships require rituals
Romantic relationships thrive on the delicate balance of love, trust, and connection. Underpinning that balance is a sense of stability and shared meaning between partners. Relationship rituals are an important way of helping couples create symbolic meaning and shared...
The 5 Ps of relationship security during the holiday season
The holiday season can be a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. It can also be chaotic, stressful and overwhelming, as many couples navigate myriad stressors that may impact the security of their relationship. Relationship insecurity often leads to conflict,...
5 common attachment myths
Attachment theory is having its moment! There’s so much information out in the public sphere now—books, podcasts, social media pages, workshops—that it is easy to become overwhelmed by it all and hard to discern what’s true and what’s not. Personally, I am excited...
Why secure functioning is better than secure attachment
It’s commonly thought that having a secure attachment style in yourself or your partner is the holy grail of relationships. The belief goes that if you have a secure attachment style you won’t be troubled by the push-me-pull-you of insecure attachment and that...
Nervous system regulation during difficult times
One of the main things I focus on as a foundational practice in my sessions with individuals and couples is arousal regulation. That is, learning how to be aware of and manage stress and stressors in real-time as it affects one’s nervous system. I actually think that...
The paradox of vulnerability
Vulnerability is critical to deep and intimate relationships. Try as we might, there is no getting around this basic fact of relating. To reveal our deep, guarded inner selves and have that met and held with respect by another person is the very essence of intimacy,...
Managing your relationship’s integrity
What does the word integrity mean to you when you hear it? And how do you think integrity applies in your relationship? In the past I’ve always thought of integrity as meaning something akin to honour. A common definition is it’s the thing you do when no-one else is...