In the previous blog post, I discussed why breaking up hurts from a neurobiological perspective. In this post, I’ll discuss how to manage a breakup if you find yourself in the midst of one, and provide tips on logistics and stress management. This won’t stop the breakup from being hard, but it may help it hurt less.

Breaking up fast or slow…

There are no strict rules about the logistics of breaking up. Each couple is different; some couples have more integrated lives than others. The more integrated and intertwined the relationship, the greater the difficulty in physically and emotionally separating.

A good breakup requires a degree of consciousness from both parties. That means avoiding criticism and blame or needing to ‘correct the record’ about things that have happened. It also means not taking on a caretaker role for your ex-partner’s distress. The task required in any separation is to move on cleanly with as much good grace as possible.

Some couples manage an amicable, staged breakup, while others need to rip the band-aid off and be apart from each other. From an attachment perspective, it’s better to go no contact in the short term. Having a period of separation before deciding can be helpful, as it allows time to grieve and feel the loss, and for any emotional intensity to cool off.

Maintaining contact with each other means that the attachment system is still activated and may prolong and intensify the separation. Additionally, maintaining contact and moving into the friendzone risks creating blurred boundaries, which is how people end up sleeping together or in shadowy relationship zones long after they’ve “officially” broken up.  

If the post-relationship connection is to be maintained, it’s still too early to redefine the scope of any new friendship and roles. Don’t rush into defining things. Don’t rush into becoming friends with each other. Some suggest that the three-month rule works as a solid amount of time before re-engaging. Find a time that works for you, but it’s better to have it be a bit too long than too short.

For couples who are inextricably entwined with kids, mortgages, and more, it may be beneficial to obtain independent support to alleviate some of the emotional load and pressure.

Managing photos, shared items and other things

Some people like to remove all details of their ex from their phone. Others want to keep mementos. There’s no strict rule about whether you should keep photos or message threads; however, it’s a good idea to remove your ex from your speed dial.

Suppose you spend a lot of time reading old messages or looking at photos. In that case,u are not meaningfully moving on from the relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to delete everything. You can archive anything and come back to it when you feel ready. Once again, your attachment system remains active, and so it’s helpful to eliminate reminders of your ex.

Similarly, conduct a clear-out of each other’s belongings as soon as possible once the relationship ends. It prevents you from encroaching on each other’s space during the grieving process and keeps the boundaries clear. Try to work out ways of dividing things amicably. Co-owning things like pets or valuable items complicates the breakup. One person should take custody of these things in the short term.

Rebound flings

Because you are both grieving the end of a relationship, it’s natural to seek comfort. But, often, the person who provides that comfort is the very partner you’ve just broken up with and with whom you share an attachment bond. This is another reason why many couples slip into sleeping with each other again after they’ve formally broken up.

Some people seek out rebound flings to help them emotionally and physically move on. Although there’s nothing inherently wrong with this, it’s important to remember that any person you are having a fling with is being used for a purpose, and there is a risk of objectification. Be upfront about what you are doing and avoid setting false expectations in the other person that you want something more than you are willing to offer. Also, remember that any attachment or attraction you form with a rebound fling may be a way of covering the pain of a breakup with feel-good hormones. Don’t kid yourself; do you want to be with this person once the hormones wear off?

When am I ready to enter a new relationship?

Many people feel that they don’t know when or if they will be ready for a new relationship. They worry whether they will be able to find the same capacity for love and intimacy again. If you are questioning your capacity for intimacy, then this is a sign that you are not ready. Healing from a relationship takes time, and you will eventually reach a point where you feel ready to jump into another relationship. You can’t force it. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but it is essential to be cautious and not rush into things.

The longer and more involved a relationship is, the longer it will take to enter a new one. One danger of starting a relationship too soon is that we carry all the grief, hurt, and old relationship dynamics into the new relationship without having had time to properly process and integrate. Doing so is not fair to the new partner, and it doesn’t allow us to feel, heal, learn, and grow.

Final words

Breaking up is hard for many reasons, but mainly because it physically and emotionally hurts, and our attachment systems are used to being interdependent on another. Breaking up causes neurobiological stress, hormonal fluctuations and upsets our lives. Above all, it’s essential to go slow and be patient and compassionate with yourself. Your heart is literally healing. Practice self-care, go slowly, and be kind to yourself and your ex.

If you’ve recently had a breakup and need support with managing it and moving on, reach out regarding individual relationship therapy.