In the previous article, I discussed the suitability of various relationship therapy modalities for consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. In this article, we’ll focus on what to look for in a CNM-affirming therapist.

Just as not all relationship modalities are suitable for CNM relationships, not all relationship therapists have experience supporting CNM relationships. CNM requires a different skill set and an understanding of issues specific to CNM relationships.

Recent research suggests that 20% of the population has practised some form of non-monogamy at some point in their lives. Furthermore, researchers estimate that around 5% of the population is currently engaged in a non-monogamous relationship.

Why Finding a CNM-Affirming Therapist Matters

Given the statistics above, you would expect greater knowledge and acceptance of CNM in the therapeutic world. However, across multiple surveys of CNM individuals accessing relationship therapy, it was found that the biggest obstacles to obtaining support were mononormative bias regarding CNM in therapists, which manifested in the form of judgment towards the relationship style. Furthermore, survey respondents also complained that the lack of cultural competence—understanding of CNM and its dynamics, structures and core issues—was the second most important factor.

Finding an appropriate therapy modality as well as a competent therapist creates a double-headed problem for people in CNM relationships. The consequence is that it makes it harder for those in CNM relationships to receive adequate relational support.

Training, experience, or lived understanding

Forewarned is forearmed, they say. With the right information, it’s easier to make better choices, so here are some tips to make the process of looking for a CNM-affirming therapist easier:

• Do they call themselves a couple’s therapist or a relationship therapist? Even though they may work with CNM, calling themselves a couple’s therapist may display an implicit mono-normative bias or emphasise couple primacy in CNM relationships that are non-hierarchical
• Do they have any cultural competency regarding CNM? Cultural competency might include formal training, work or lived experience (it’s okay to ask a therapist about their lived experience if you are meeting with them for the first time).
• Does the therapist create or have resources specifically tailored to CNM relationships, or are all their resources directed toward monogamous couples?
• In a similar vein, does the therapist’s intake paperwork reflect a mononormative bias or is it CNM-affirming?
• What modality do they practice? Not all relationship therapy modalities are CNM-affirming. (If in doubt, check out my previous post regarding CNM-affirming therapy modalities).
• Do they approach CNM as an identity rather than a sexual preference? One common frustration expressed by research respondents regarding therapist judgment is the perception that people in CNM relationships were sexually promiscuous or entered CNM relationships seeking sex, rather than as an expression of self or a way of life.
• Are they aware of common intersectionalities with CNM, such as queerness, gender diversity or neurodivergence? Are they also trained or competent in dealing with these issues?
• Do they hold attachment as a loose framework? Attachment research is often dyadic, and the attachment framework used in most relationship therapy is couples-focused. This framework is not always applicable when looking at attachment across multiple relationship systems.
• Do they refrain from pathologising jealousy and idealising compersion, and accept that these are aspects of CNM relationships rather than states to avoid or strive towards?

Questions to Ask a Prospective Therapist

It’s okay to ask to meet first with any prospective therapist and learn about their approach and whether they are a good fit. Research on therapeutic outcomes suggests that around 40% of success comes down to the relationship you have with your therapist, and most therapists offer introductory sessions or are willing to have a quick telephone call with you.

Good questions to ask a prospective therapist (in addition to the points above) include:

• How do they frame relationship security in the context of CNM relationships
• What are the main challenges they see in CNM relationships
• Do they have experience working systemically rather than dyadically
• Do they have experience with working with asymmetries across systems (if that’s particular to your model of CNM)
• Do they have a focus on agreements over rules
• How do they view issues like veto rules or coercive agreements
• How do they manage triangulation and loyalty conflicts
• How do they manage broken agreements in the context of CNM relationships?

Bottom Line: You Deserve Affirming, Competent Support

More than anything, we need to feel seen and accepted by our therapist. If a therapist holds any judgment about your experience or lifestyle—expressed or unexpressed—then they are unlikely to be able to understand you or make you feel safe.

Likewise, therapists need a degree of cultural competence regarding CNM, which doesn’t necessarily mean they are CNM themselves, just that they have a grasp of CNM and its dynamics. Many nuances around agreements and systemic dynamics don’t apply to monogamous relationships. If therapists lack cultural competence, they need to demonstrate a willingness to learn on their own, without you taking on the burden of educating them.

In the long run, seeing a therapist who doesn’t understand your situation or harbours judgment or prejudice regarding it can do more harm than good. One of the less talked about sides of relationship therapy is that a bad therapist can set back a relationship’s healing and progress. Bad therapy does do harm and, unfortunately, I have seen this happen all too often.

At the level of your felt sense—in your body and being—a safe therapeutic environment arises from feeling safe, seen and understood. These are non-negotiables in any therapeutic context. Unfortunately, it is harder to find with CNM relationships. Using the principles above, however, will help you find that space.

If you are navigating a CNM or poly relationship and need support, find out more about CNM-affirming relationship therapy.