What does the word integrity mean to you when you hear it? And how do you think integrity applies in your relationship?

In the past I’ve always thought of integrity as meaning something akin to honour. A common definition is it’s the thing you do when no-one else is looking. If I find a stranger’s wallet on the ground stuffed full of hundred-dollar notes, then my integrity will be determined by whether I return that wallet with all those bills still in place.

However, I recently heard another definition that really struck me: integrity is how you balance your different and competing values. For instance, if I value spending time at home relaxing and value spending time going out with friends, then the integrity is in how I balance the two.

Honour or tension?

This conception of integrity relates to tension; we speak of a bridge’s integrity according to how much tension it can withstand while still maintaining its structure. If I’m pulled in different directions by competing values, that’s going to create tension. My integrity is in how much I can allow each while still maintaining my centre.

Thinking about this got me wondering how it might apply in relationships. Expanding on the definition above, the integrity of a relationship is how it manages to balance each partner’s different values. By values I mean those things that you hold most important in your life, the things you value most. It might be family, getting out into nature, spending quality time as a couple and so on.

In your relationship there will be a mix of values: there will be those that you hold as individuals and those that you share as a couple. It’s likely that there will be an overlap between your individual values and your shared values. The integrity of a relationship then is how you balance your relational values as well as each other’s individual values.

Say one partner likes hiking in nature and the other prefers going to art galleries in the city. There’s a stress point between the two and integrity emerges from how these two different values are balanced in practice. If you are spending all your time at art galleries and never in nature, then one person in the couple is missing out. Integrity in this instance is ensuring that when one person goes hiking the other gets to go to an exhibition, or one time you go together into the bush and on the next, you attend an exhibition opening.

Relationship values

What about shared values? As a couple you might have a shared value of spending time with family and another of quiet weekends together. How do you maintain the integrity of these different values when there’s a family event on every weekend for several months? There’s no right way to answer this. Every couple’s handling of the situation will be different, but it’s important to know how you will manage it so that your needs and values are met.

This is important because when your individual or shared values are not met, you end up with a hollow feeling, a sense that something’s not working or not quite right and you are out of sorts in your life. For a relationship to thrive its essential that the values of both partners are met as well as their shared values.

A relationship will not survive when it’s a win-lose scenario, when one partner always gets their own way, and the other partner doesn’t. Nor will it survive when the relationship is unbalanced, not moving in the directions that it prioritises. This unbalanced situation will, in the long term, create strain on the relationship. One person will become resentful, or the feeling will arise that things are not working, that the relationship feels inauthentic or dysfunctional.

For that reason, it’s important to know what both your individual and shared values are and whether these are being met in your relationship. If they are not, then this is the ideal time to start working out how you are going to meet them.

Exercise

A good way to determine the integrity of your relationship is to write down all your individual values. What are the five or ten things most important to you. Is it family, time together, being active, eating well or something else? Now compare your values and see if where there is overlap and where there are differences. Now ask yourself, out of 10, how would you rate your relationship in meeting that value?

This is a good opportunity for a discussion or negotiation. Are there values that are getting no attention? Is it lopsided, and one of you get more than the other?

What are the top five things you value as a couple? Are these being met? Rate them out of ten and if there are any that are lower down on the scale, discuss what you can do to start cultivating them in your life.

Building your relationship’s integrity is important. If this is something you value, then couples therapy might help. Act now.