Previously, I have written about how to have productive relationship conflict using a basic understanding of neurobiology and communication skills. In this post, I’ll discuss how to repair if everything goes horribly wrong.

A big reason why many people fear conflict is that, in addition to the stress of conflict and rupture, we lack good models for effective repair. Our culture doesn’t teach us to repair well. Repair done badly often leads to further rupture down the track and, over time, will erode a relationship’s stock of goodwill as both partners tire from the emotional exhaustion of the rupture and repair rollercoaster.

It doesn’t have to be like a rollercoaster, however. Rupture and repair are necessary for relationship growth, as they test a relationship’s boundaries and strengthen a couple’s system. Done well, they can make a relationship stronger. The aim is to create an environment where it’s safe to fight but doesn’t result in emotional injury or lingering hurt. If injuries or hurt occur, they are attended to immediately.

Making ruptures safe

Relationship ruptures are inevitable and often difficult. It doesn’t matter how good or sound your relationship is. At some point, there will be disagreement or conflict. In couples, we co-regulate and attune to each other, like radios picking up each other’s frequencies. Just like radios, we’re not always going to be in tune. Stress, confusion, miscommunication, and tiredness lead to mis-attunement, making conflict and rupture more likely.

A rupture occurs when that sense of attunement is broken. In a rupture, we go from a one two-person, co-regulated, system to two single-person systems. We are wired for connection, so when we lose connection, it shocks our nervous systems. Also, depending on our attachment styles, it may also tap into core wounds around abandonment or rejection or activate developmental responses.

Ruptures that occur with shouting, acting out, violence or fear are especially frightening to the nervous system. We have lost that sense of attunement with the other person, and we now perceive them as acting in potentially threatening and unpredictable ways. Our brains and nervous systems don’t like unpredictable or unsafe things, especially in relationships. This makes repair harder, as attunement also means coming back into safety again with the other person. The less stressful you can make those ruptures on each other, the easier it will be to reattune afterwards. The bigger the rupture the more reattunement required.

Enter repair

Repair is the process of re-attuning. Through good repair, we come back into resonance with our partners. We feel connected, and our nervous systems respond to each other in synchrony. This is the foundation of a stable and connected relationship.

Repair is an important part of attunement; this is why make-up sex is so powerful because we come from a place of being out of tune with our partners into attunement through synchronised physical activity. Also, sex is always a powerful emotional release. It also eliminates any residual tension or cortisol (the stress hormone) in the body. Problematically, this pattern of tension and release can become an addictive pattern in relationships and often doesn’t deal with the causes underlying the rupture.

The importance of effective repair

How do you repair your relationship? Do you hold grudges, not speak to each other for a day, or bring flowers and foot rubs? How you repair is a hallmark of the strength and durability of your relationship. Repair needs to feel good and complete. It’s the balm on the hurt of conflict and rupture. 

Without good repair skills, your relationship will feel strained as hurts linger unresolved. After every rupture, you will come back together with a little more stress and a little more uncertainty. This will also make conflict and fighting more stressful as you fear the ramifications.

Repair is undoubtedly the most important tool in your relationship arsenal.

Principles for effective repair

Repair asap

Left unresolved, conflict and rupture will consolidate into the brain’s long-term memory and colour how we see our partner and the relationship. Don’t wait a day or a week to make up. Repair as soon as you can!

Start repairing as soon as you have both cooled off and can talk calmly. If things start heating up during repair, take time out and return to it when you cool down again. Make an agreement with each other about repair protocols. How long do each of you need to cool off, and how soon can you come back together? Agreements around repair help it feel safer and manageable.

Don’t hold grudges

Repair is not a chance to score points or use it as ammunition to win one over your partner. The goal of repair is coming back into co-regulation and a two-person system. As Esther Perel says: “you can be right, or you can be in a relationship.”

Relationship expert John Gottman defines the four horsemen of relationship trouble as Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. All of these come into play during repair. If your post-conflict debrief is about point-scoring all trying to be right and make your partner wrong, then that may be a sign of contempt or criticism entering the picture.

Your partner is not the problem. The problem is the rupture and its underlying causes. Make an agreement that you aim to work together to repair the problem towards reconnection and reconciliation.

Stay on topic

Like holding grudges, repair is not the time to litigate additional or unrelated grievances. Stick to the task at hand. If there are things you’d like to bring up that are irrelevant to the repair or the fight, save them for later. The aim is to come back together, not litigate new evidence.

Express affection and love for your partner and respond to bids for connection

Creating safety and co-regulation means signalling to your partner that you care for them and responding to gestures signalling that they care for you. These are known as bids for connection, and when our bids are acknowledged and validated, we feel seen and connected.

Try to see your partner’s point of view

This can be one of the hardest aspects of repair. It’s important to acknowledge that we all have different perspectives and that our partners may see things differently than we do. The more we are able to put ourselves in our partner’s shoes, the easier it will be to come back into connection.

Own your role in the conflict

The inability to take responsibility after an argument may appear to be defensiveness, stonewalling, shutting down, or walking away. Sometimes, the most effective form of repair is swallowing a little pride and owning what we did wrong or could have done better in any conflict.

Summary

The bottom line is that when a rupture happens, if we come together with goodwill and mutual respect it can make a relationship stronger and healthier. It signals that we can tolerate differences in a relationship and know how to navigate our way back into togetherness despite those differences. It helps us feel seen, understood and validated and is essential to relationship growth.

If you’d like to develop useful tools on how to repair your relationship after a fight and create mutual safety, couples therapy might help.