For many Melbournians lockdown 4.0 probably comes with a feeling of déjà vu. We’ve done this before and we’ll do it again, but we wish we didn’t have to in the first place. We’re nearly a week in and with the extension returns the sense of uncertainty, limitation, and powerlessness experienced during the lockdowns of 2020.

The timing is unfortunate, just as we’re still recovering and processing the trauma of last year, remembering how to lead normal lives again, and while Melbourne gets back into its regular rhythms. And now the streets are empty, cafes closed, businesses shuttered and the streets quiet once more.

You might be feeling many things at the moment: shock, disappointment, anger, depression or grief are natural responses to the situation. For many people, lockdown may also trigger our nervous systems into responding to threat. You may feel trapped or needing to escape. Or you may freeze or want to fight. All of these are normal ways of coping with overwhelming or traumatic experiences.

When we are in partnership with another, particularly when living together, it’s likely that each other’s nervous systems also create triggers. If your partner is distressed or in an aroused state, then it’s likely that you may be feeling it too. As a couple in lockdown, it’s important to be extra mindful about how the other is feeling, not just to manage their stress levels but your own.

In the stress of lockdown little things can become magnified. What might only be a minor irritation can balloon into a major fight. It’s essential to be patient with each other, slow down as much as possible, resist the urge to react. Time out, breathing space, walks around the block are your allies in this.

The most important thing to remember is that we are all dealing with the situation in the best way that we can.

Here are some suggestions on ways to look after yourself and each other during lockdown:

Create intentional time together: Even though you are locked down together, spending quality time together may be forgotten. It’s essential that you also make time to hang out intentionally. This might include cooking a nice meal and dressing up for dinner or going on a movie date (on the couch, with popcorn), or having a hot bath together.

Make space for each other: This may sound like I’m contradicting the previous point, but actually it’s complementing it. Allow space for each of you to have some time to yourselves. Go for a walk or take your exercise out of the house to give your partner some time and breathing space alone. It’s essential for each of you to have quality alone time just as much as is quality time together. If you have children, volunteer to look after them for an hour so that your partner can have a break, and vice versa.

Create boundaries around Covid: Just because Covid is present everywhere, it doesn’t mean that it has to take over your life and thoughts. Avoid talking about covid at the dinner table, in bed, while making love or any other place or time that involves a set purpose. On an individual level, try to avoid endless scrolling of the news (doom-scrolling) or watching TV. It’s a great time to read a book or start a jigsaw puzzle.

Check in with each other: It might be helpful to have a set check-in time with each other once a day where you can talk about the news and any updates regarding Covid. It can also be a good opportunity to discuss any feelings or thoughts that are arising from lockdown. This compartmentalises it and can make it easier to manage.

Go easy on each other (and ourselves): We all deal with things in different ways and we may not be operating at 100%. Some of us may be doing what we can to get through the days.  Whatever way you cope is fine. Remember to approach the situation with compassion for each other and yourselves. Likewise, remember that others are doing the same. Be patient and if something is bothering you in your partner, try to breathe and talk through it rather than acting out on it.

Go on an adventure: Okay, so this is a bit left field but the app Randonautica will generate a random co-ordinate within a radius of your choosing, for you to go and see what lies there and what you might encounter along the way. Get out of the house for your hour of exercise with your partner and explore your neighbourhood in new ways. It’s like a random date!

Focus on what you can control: If you feel overwhelmed or powerless from Covid, turn your attention to the things you can control in your life. This might be something as simple as cleaning your house, re-organising your cupboards or organising your finances. Little wins are just as good, if not better, than big wins.

Celebrate your successes: Celebrate getting through each day! Celebrate that you didn’t spend the afternoon doom-scrolling the Covid-feed on the news. Celebrate any time there is an opportunity to celebrate something. Create rituals to celebrate with. These can be small rituals, like giving each other a footbath or something bigger, like a celebratory dinner or take away from a fancy restaurant.

Resources:

There are a range of resources out there to help cope with lockdown. There is no shame in reaching out for help.

• Lifeline provides support to anyone considering self-harm or has concerns about someone else at risk of self-harm.
• 1800RESPECT provides support to  for anyone in the community experiencing violence and abuse.
• The Men’s Referral Service (in Victoria) provides free telephone support for men who use or are worried about violent or abusive behaviour.
• Switchboard Victoria provides counselling and support to LGBTQIA+ individuals.
• If you would like to book a free 20-minute discovery consult with me, you can do so here. 

If you’re struggling in your relationship, couples therapy might help. Get in contact today.