There’s often an unspoken assumption in relationships that we must always say ‘yes’ to our partners. Part of the agreement of being together is that we must be available and attentive to our partner’s needs, always ready on standby or for whatever might come along. Saying yes feels like a duty, part of the relationship contract. Also, we don’t want to disappoint our partners or hurt their feelings if we refuse them. We might fear also, that if we deny our partner their wants, our partner might reject us in turn. For that reason, saying the word ‘no’ can become incredibly difficult in relationships and we find ourselves saying yes even when we don’t want to, as it’s the easiest thing to do. The most important word in your relationship is ‘no’.

No.

It’s such a simple word but so hard to say no to someone you love. However, there are excellent reasons to say the word no in your relationship:

• No, I don’t want to hang out
• No, I’m tired
• No, I can’t. I need some time to myself
• No, I’ve had a really stressful day
• No, don’t feel like having sex
• No, I can’t do that for you
• No, I can’t support you right now as I’m struggling too

How often do you end up saying yes when we mean to say no? Does saying no to your partner make you feel ashamed or guilty? How does it feel to receive your partner’s no?

The importance of no in relationships

Every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of boundaries, clear communication, and consent. Boundaries set out what is and isn’t permitted in the relationship. They are the agreements that define how you are your partner will live and love together. Clear communication is the agreement that there will be transparency in your dealings, that information is shared and that you invite your partner into your worldview. Consent is your right to say yes or no, according to your needs. Often, we make the mistake of thinking that because we are in a relationship, consent is always given. Nothing could be further from the truth.

There is an aspect of being with another person where we must compromise our individual needs for the good of the partnership. Compromise is one of the most beautiful things about relationships. Through it, we grow and mature by learning how to give up always getting our own way to better the whole. But we can’t do it all the time. We do have personal limits and those limits change according to the day, our mood, stress and energy levels, and anything else going on in our lives. You cannot be all things all of the time to your partner, and you cannot give up all your needs for the sake of the relationship.

When you’re unable to say no to your partner, then you are always in a place of giving, you are overriding your own needs for the benefit of another. Your desires and needs become secondary to your partner’s. The long-term consequence of always saying yes when you mean no is that resentment will build. But when you can hold your no in a relationship your yes means so much more.

Why it’s sometimes hard to say no

Nobody likes to feel rejected. It’s a natural human feeling. As a result, we live in a culture that doesn’t prioritise or respect, the word ‘no’. It can be hard to draw firm boundaries, particularly when it comes to our family and partners. The obligation to always agree can be even more powerful for women, who are culturally conditioned to people-please. Most of us don’t learn the importance of having good boundaries when growing up or at school, and we don’t learn them from our peers either. If saying no feels strange, or if it brings up discomfort for you to say it or your partner to receive it, it can take practice.

There’s an important point to make here, also: your no is a complete sentence. When someone doesn’t respect your no, it signals that your no is needed even more. If you feel scared to say no because you fear your partner may react in a way that’s violent or threatening, or if your partner doesn’t respect your no when you say it, then this may indicate an abusive or toxic relationship, and you need to seek support or leave.

Practising your no

This is a simple game that you can do with your partner to start training the muscle of saying no in relationships and receive each other’s no. You can put some dedicated time aside for it or play it periodically as a game throughout the day.

1. Begin by asking each other for ridiculous things that your partner couldn’t possibly say yes to:
   • Can you give me on billion dollars?
   • “Will you buy me a chocolate factory?
   • Will you take me on holiday to the moon?  
2. Your partner will respond no to whatever you ask.
3. Observe any changes in your breath, body or emotions. Do you experience any tension?
4. Take a deep breath, followed by a long sigh, and swap roles.
5. Afterwards, discuss what it was like saying and receiving the word no. Did it bring up any discomfort for either of you?
6. Make the questions more realistic until you ask for things you might normally ask for in your relationship:
   • Will you cook me dinner tonight?
   • Can you massage my feet?
   • Will you take me on holiday to the moon? 
7. Again, observe any changes in your breath, body or emotions or the presence of tension. Take a deep breath, followed by a long sigh, and swap roles.
8. Discuss what came up for you both. Ask each other whether you noticed any difficulties in saying or receiving no and what support you might need from each other to do so.
9. Keep practising until it feels normal for both of you.

If you want to work on improving boundaries and communication in your relationship then couples therapy may help.