If there is one thing inevitable in life, it’s heartbreak. Breaking up with someone is one of the most challenging experiences we will face in our lives. Whether we instigated the breakup or our now-ex-partner did–or even if it was a mutual decision–it always feels awful.

Breakups can be so painful that many people go out of their way to avoid them: some jump out of relationships before they get too serious, while others stay in them long after they should have ended. Either way, at the root of each behaviour is avoidance of loss and pain.

Following a breakup, we often struggle to move on in a meaningful way. We might struggle to accept that our partners are gone, and our thoughts circle back to what could have been done differently. We may feel lost, lonely, or depressed. We may think that we’ll never find anyone else to love. All of those feelings are perfectly normal.

The neurobiology of breaking up

Breakups are hard for many reasons, but the main one is that they hurt physically, emotionally, and existentially. That hurt is real: brain scans have shown that the emotional pain of a breakup lights up the same area as the part of the brain that feels physical pain.

Physiologically, our bodies release more adrenaline and cortisol—stress hormones—and less serotonin, the feel-good hormone. Rising cortisol levels cause the muscles to tense and cramp, which is one reason why many people experience a crushing sensation in their chest, as if their heart is being squeezed. At the same time, the cortisol weakens the heart muscle, causing what is known as broken heart syndrome or stress cardiomyopathy. It’s not a heart attack, but it can feel and look like a heart attack and, in severe cases, can be fatal. So, it is true that people can die from a broken heart.

The body’s hormonal changes also affect mood, sleeping patterns, appetite, digestion, energy levels, and the immune system. These upset biological rhythms lead to behavioural and emotional changes such as depression and withdrawal, as well as other issues such as weight loss or weight gain, and the inevitable post-breakup cold.

Finally, as our nervous systems have become acclimatised to interdependence with another person and have learnt to rely on that person for soothing and co-regulation, we must re-adjust to self-regulation strategies and the absence and unavailability of our former attachment figure. This need for co-regulation is one reason why many people end up sleeping with their exes or jumping into a new relationship.

But wait, there’s more…

On top of all the neurobiological and hormonal changes, there is the emotional fallout of rejection, abandonment, grief, hurt and loneliness. These emotions are underscored and exacerbated by the physiological changes described above, adding to the difficulty of a breakup. At the same time, we make cognitive and existential adjustments, such as finding meaning from the experience or having to re-establish one’s identity as a single individual, which creates further stress.

It’s essential to remember that these effects are typical and beyond our control. There is little we can do about hormonal fluctuations during a breakup; they are part of the experience. What we can do is support ourselves in ways that mitigate the difficulty of these changes.

Self-care

When breaking up, the temptation is to want to withdraw, get drunk, eat pizza, and empty out a tub of ice cream. These urges serve as ways to replace the lost serotonin, manage the cortisol spike, and soothe emotional hurt. They provide short-term relief at the risk of creating longer-term problems such as substance abuse issues, weight gain, depression or other health problems.

As hard as it may feel, it’s vital to maintain our self-care routines: sleep, exercise, and healthy eating are all necessary to support our bodies, as well as the functioning of our hormonal and nervous systems. As hard as it may feel, it’s important to remain socially engaged.

Self-care asks us to lean into the pain rather than avoiding it. There is a phrase that comes from the psychedelic world: you must go through a bad trip rather than jump out of it. Similarly, we must go through the pain and heartbreak. Delaying or avoiding pain only exacerbates it or leads to unintended consequences.

Final thoughts

Above all, the most important thing is balance and compassion: we need to be more disciplined but not rigid. It is possible to go too far in the direction of self-punishment. Remember that you are hurting and that your body is going through a significant adjustment. Be kind to yourself, practice positive and supportive behaviours, but above all, don’t punish yourself.

If you are struggling with a breakup and need support, get in contact to learn how individual relationship therapy can help you get manage.