In the previous entry, I discussed how relationship conflict primes our nervous system to prepare for danger and threat. I also discussed steps to reduce threat signals to create safer conflict. Understanding the neuroscience behind why we become heightened in conflict allows us to minimise the risks and dangers that lead to escalation and rupture.
Many therapeutic approaches focus on active listening and effective communication tools to de-escalate conflict. I have no issue with this; however, in relationship arguments, staying regulated is more important. No amount of listening or communication strategies will work if you and your partner are dysregulated. This is because we are outside our social engagement system when we become dysregulated. We are literally in survival or self-preservation mode; relating and communication are impossible when we are busy attending to our own survival.
Once you have soothed your nervous system, how you communicate will support and reinforce safety and security. What follows are some basic principles of effective communication:
Forget the story and lead with emotion
In arguments, couples often get bogged down trying to establish their version of reality as being correct. The problem with arguing about who is right is that we all have different perspectives, which are coloured by how we are feeling. We remember or interpret things differently based on our current mood and how we see the world. Everyone has their personal biases and prejudices, and no two versions of what happened will ever be the same. Arguing over who’s right is a recipe for gridlocked conflict. As relationship therapist Esther Perel says: “you can be right or you can be married.”
In most conflicts, the story of what happened is secondary to the pain partners feel. We think that if our partner accepts our version of events, then they will accept our hurt, too. Far better is to go straight to the source and speak from that place of hurt.
Practice: Rather than picking apart what happened or who did what, simply name your feelings about a situation. At the core, we want to have our emotions heard and validated, but when we use the story to get there, our feelings get lost. When we lead with ‘I feel angry/disappointed/hurt/sad, etc…’ we avoid entering a contest with our partner about who is correct. You are simply stating your emotion and you are more likely to have that emotion acknowledged and validated.
Reflect and validate
If there is one thing you take from this blog, it’s the importance of reflection and validation. In the previous article, I stated that reflection and validation have two purposes: the first is that they help speakers feel heard, which is likely to de-escalate heightened states because feeling listened to and understood is synonymous with feeling connected; the second reason is that they slow down the back-and-forth of the argument. A slower speed allows for more processing time and reduces the likelihood of communication errors.
Everyone wants to be heard; the desire to be understood is innate and helps us feel safe. Often, however, this desire comes at the expense of actually hearing.
Reframing communication from wanting to be heard to trying to hear can powerfully change relationship dynamics. When we trust that our partner is listening, we don’t need to try as hard to communicate, which becomes a self-reinforcing cycle.
Practice: When your partner says something, reflect what you heard back in your own words: “I hear that you feel X” or “If I understand you correctly, you feel Y”. Check in with your partner and ask if they feel heard correctly. If not, try again or ask questions to clarify your understanding. Only stop reflecting once your partner confirms that they feel heard.
The next step is validating what you’ve heard. You might say: “It makes sense to me that you would feel this way.” You are not giving up your opinion or perspective; you are trying to empathise with your partner. Many couples get bogged down here. Validating and empathising with your partner does not come at the expense of your perspective.
Once this has been done, swap over. It may feel slow and clunky at first, but it’s important. Checking in with each other and clarifying meaning and intention leaves less margin for error and miscommunication and more space for connection and understanding.
I-language
When speaking, use I-language rather than You-language. This means referring to your own experience rather than what your partner does.
An example of you-language is: “you embarrassed me in front of my family”. You-language sounds accusatory. Accusatory language is likely to provoke a defensive response from your partner, making them less likely to listen to you.
An example of I-language is: “I felt embarrassed when you said that in front of my family.”
Practice: As much as possible, speak from your own experience.
Avoid absolutes
Avoid phrases such as “you always” or “you never.” Absolute statements like these leave your partner nowhere to go, and they are interpreted as descriptions of character rather than behaviour. When we feel like our partner is criticising us for who we are rather than how we act, we are less likely to want to engage.
Practice: Instead of using absolutes, try to be as specific as possible about behaviours and events.
“I felt annoyed on Thursday when you didn’t take the bins out” is easier for your partner to respond to than “you never take the bins out!” It also opens a dialogue as you can discuss the situation and behaviour rather than a character trait.
Accept influence
Own your role in any conflict and try to accept your partner’s side, including any criticism. It takes two to tango, and being open to influence from your partner will help take the heat out of any argument. Shutting down, deflecting arguments or always being defensive are instances of what John Gottman calls Stonewalling. Stonewalling is considered to be one of the four horsemen of relationship demise. Stonewalling is not engagement but shutdown.
Practice: Be prepared to take mutual responsibility for what has happened, even if you feel aggrieved or unfairly treated. Being able to swallow your pride and take some responsibility no matter how little. Doing so puts coins in the relationship’s goodwill piggy bank.
Conclusion
If you follow the communication principles above combined with the threat-minimising behaviours from the previous article, you will go a long way to enjoying safe, constructive conflict with your partner. Such conflict promotes growth and togetherness rather than avoidance and mistrust.
In this series’s final part, we will discuss how to effectively repair if it all goes wrong.
If you’d like to learn more about how effective communication and conflict management can help your relationship, reach out to learn about couples therapy with Right Relationship.