It’s commonly thought that having a secure attachment style in yourself or your partner is the holy grail of relationships. The belief goes that if you have a secure attachment style you won’t be troubled by the push-me-pull-you of insecure attachment and that relationship stability will follow.

There’s no doubt that secure attachment is important for relationship stability, however, it’s not so straightforward and secure attachment doesn’t necessarily predict secure, stable or permanent relationships. It doesn’t promise happily ever after. Secure attachment also doesn’t increase the likelihood of attracting secure partners. We pick partners based on familiarity with traits and behaviours rather than attachment style.

The truth is attachment is only one element in a relationship and even securely attached individuals can enter toxic and unhealthy relationships and experience trauma, abuse, and insecurity. In fact, secure attachment can become insecure because of being in a harmful relationship.

A better predictor of relationship security and stability is whether that relationship is secure functioning. Despite the name, secure functioning doesn’t refer to attachment styles but to the overarching governance and integrity of the relationship system that a couple create.

The basic tenet of a secure functioning relationship is that both partners will cover for each other’s attachment and safety needs and that the relationship agreements are primary, above all things. That is, there is a shared agreement to create a safe relationship container that is prioritised over individual needs. In this way, a secure functioning relationship creates a relationship system that will be a secure base from which we will venture out and meet the world and a safe harbour that we can return to at any time.

A secure functioning relationship is marked by:

• Having agreed upon strategies for self-regulation and co-regulation
• Having agreements around how insecure attachment behaviour patterns will be managed when they arise in the relationship so that they don’t threaten the container
• Agreeing not to ‘act out’ when triggered or dysregulated
• A shared knowledge of each other’s vulnerabilities and a willingness to protect them
• The ability to persuade and influence each other based on an understanding of each partner and their values, without recourse to shaming, bullying, intimidation or coercion tactics.
• Developing firm agreements around the relationship’s internal and external boundaries
• Clear expectations regarding how repair will be managed after conflict or rupture (including how each partner will respond after a rupture, how long it will take before repair takes place and how repair will be structured)
• A shared sense of purpose and vision for the relationship and its future direction
• A clear and articulated set of values that both parties will operate by in furtherance of that purpose and vision

It’s also not enough that a secure functioning relationship has these features in place. The most important aspect, that takes it from aspirational to actual, is that these agreements are followed or at least are being strived for with mutual respect and goodwill.

If one or both partners are not abiding by the relationship agreements, then the relationship is in a state of insecurity. This will exacerbate any insecure attachment patterns by undermining the relationship’s foundations.

When both partners stick to the relationship’s rules and feel like they are moving in the same direction, then a safe container is created. Each partner can be free to be themselves and heal and grow as individuals. 

Secure attachment can grow from a secure functioning relationship in the embodied knowledge that the relationship is a secure base and safe harbour where rejection or abandonment won’t occur. This reinforces secure functioning which in turn reinforces secure attachment.

Stocktaking your relationship’s secure functioning

If you are currently in a relationship, you might want to take stock of its secure functioning or absence.

Questions you can ask yourself include:

• How do we manage regulation? Is there an over-reliance on self-regulation (or self-soothing) or external regulation? Does one partner always disappear to regulate or is one always seeking comfort? Do we have multiple strategies for regulation including ways to co-regulate?
• What are the agreements we have in our relationship that we have consciously and explicitly agreed upon? What haven’t we agreed upon that would make our relationship safer?
• Are we sticking to the agreements we have made?
• What are our agreements around repair? Do we let things linger for an unspecified amount of time or do we try to come back together as soon as we are able?
• Where are we headed as a couple? What is our relationship’s guiding star?
• What values and principles underpin our relationship and are they helping us achieve our purpose together?

If you’re not currently in a relationship you might want to consider the above points as pointers as to what to look for in a relationship. If a prospective partner isn’t willing to agree on any of the above points, then it’s a sign that the relationship may not be secure functioning. Likewise, if there are any points that you don’t want to agree to then this may have an impact on your ability to create a secure functioning relationship.

The bottom line is that secure functioning is more important than secure attachment and that if you want secure attachment then you need secure functioning.

Want to create a secure functioning relationship? Couples therapy can help- get in contact today.