You’ve probably seen those memes about relationships being similar to a car because they need regular fuel, tune-ups and ongoing maintenance. I agree with the point that these memes are trying to make but, overall, I think that a car is an awful analogy for a relationship! Relationships are not mechanical things that you take out for a spin on the highway every weekend and to the mechanic once every six months; they are more organic than that. Relationships have their own distinct characters and personalities, they have hearts, brains and nervous systems that are prone to stress and distress, and they need love, care and attention. A relationship is not like a car; it’s more like a person. And like all people, relationships live, grow, change, and even die.

Your relationship is also is likely to be the public face that people on the outside see. Although they will see two individuals (assuming your relationship style is as a couple), they will do so through the lens of a third. In psychology, this lens is known as a gestalt. You might have heard the phrase ‘the sum of the whole is greater than the parts’. Your relationship’s gestalt is the whole and what others see, while you and your partner are the individual parts.

When you’re on the inside, it’s much harder to see the gestalt. It can be invisible. However, when we start thinking of our relationship as a gestalt person, it raises some interesting questions. For example, who is this person, what are they like, and what do they need? And what is your relationship to it? These questions can provide important information about your relationship and how you approach it and lead to greater clarity and depth between you and your partner.

Your relationship’s personality

Let’s start with personality or character. Some relationships have fiery, intense and passionate personalities, while others are more relaxed and laidback; some are very formal and business-like, while others are spontaneous, playful and joyful. A relationship’s character spans a range of possibility. Still, it will always be an amalgam (a gestalt) of the people inside it, containing both the best and worst of each other’s qualities. Because more than one person forms this personality, we are part of something with more depth and richness than we can ever experience alone. This depth is one of the great rewards (and challenges) of being in a relationship.

In addition to character, your relationship has values and integrity. By values, I mean the things that it holds most important, and by integrity, I mean the principles it lives by and how willing it is to stick to them. Like personality, a relationship’s values and integrity derive from the gestalt of you and your partner. Your relationships values will determine the path in life it follows. If your relational values are concerned with security, then it’s likely that the relationship will be more focused on jobs, houses and finances. If the relational values are focused on adventure, then travel might be the thing that drives the relationship.

Remember, there is no one right way for a relationship to be. Like people, all relationships are different. As long as both parties are happy with the relationship and have their needs met, that’s the main thing. Also, a relationship’s character may change over time as you and your partner change. What began as a shy and awkward personality may blossom over the years into a vibrant and energetic being. Or a passionate, high-energy character might soften and mellow as it matures.

Your relationship needs attention

As important as personality is the time and attention you put into your relationship. The more time you spend consciously nurturing your relationship, the more powerful it will grow. I don’t mean just spending conscious time with your partner, though this is important too.

They say to have a successful business, spend time working on the business itself. A relationship is no different. Giving your relationship attention means spending time working on it. This means discussing the essential things in your relationship, working through any problems or issues that arise, identifying its needs, contemplating its future direction and ensuring that your relationship is what you aspire it to be. It might also be going to therapy or seeing a counsellor together or watching videos, or reading books on relationships. To grow your relationship, commit to experimenting with how you relate and be okay with making mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn.

Spend one hour a week talking about the relationship and how it’s going. Work on the relationship as much as you are in the relationship. Its growth and character depend on how much time and energy you are willing to devote to it and how intentional you are in cultivating it.

The character game

Let’s try a little thought experiment:

If your relationship was a person, what would they be like? 

• How do they appear?
• Would they be intense or relaxed and easy-going? 
• Would they be the life of the party or prefer to stay home on a Saturday and read a book?
• What are the five most important things in this person’s life?
• Where do they want to be in five years time?

Write out your answers and then compare them with your partner. Is there much overlap between them? It’s not a bad thing if there isn’t, as we all see the world in different ways. But if there is not much mutual ground, it’s an excellent opportunity to find out why. If your partner sees your relationship as dashing and you see it as boring, then it’s an opportunity to discuss why you both have differing views and how you can form some common middle ground.

If you want to be really daring, you could also poll your family and friends about how they view your relationship’s character.

Your relationship to your relationship

Now that you know what your relationship looks like, ask yourself if you’re happy with it. Do you love your relationship? Do you approach it with a sense of trepidation, and does it sometimes feel like a chore? Does your relationship feel light, or is it burdensome?

Now, thinking about the face that you present to the world. Are you comfortable with the public face your relationship presents to the world, or would you prefer it to be something different?

What about your partner? What is their relationship to the relationship? Discuss any commonalities and differences between the two of you.

Conclusion

Relationships have characters formed by you and your partner. They have their own preferences, beliefs and values, and require love and attention. The more we get to know our relationship as a person, the better we will understand it and the easier it is to make changes and help it grow and thrive.

Reach out to learn more about couples therapy and how we can help you and your partner strengthen your couple bubble.