Relationships require agreements. Although this might sound like a straightforward idea, in practice it’s uncommon. Many couples operate from different assumptions about how their relationship should work, and different (and often unspoken) assumptions inevitably lead to conflict.

Say one partner assumes quality time means spending entire weekends together. The other assumes that sitting in the same room while doing separate activities counts as connection. One partner believes difficult conversations should happen immediately, while the other believes everyone should have space to calm down first. Neither partner is necessarily wrong. The difficulty is that these expectations often remain invisible until somebody violates them.

The problem with invisible contracts

One phrase I hear repeatedly in therapy is, “I shouldn’t have to ask.”

The sentiment is understandable. We all want to feel implicitly known by our partners. However, hidden inside this statement is usually an unspoken agreement that only one person knows exists. Every relationship contains hundreds of such invisible contracts.

Who initiates physical affection? How quickly should messages be answered? How are decisions made? How much consultation is required before making social plans? What happens after an argument?

Couples answer these questions every day, often without ever discussing them. Over time, assumptions solidify into expectations, and expectations become fertile ground for disappointment.

The need for agreements

Secure functioning couples don’t necessarily have fewer expectations than struggling couples, but they are better at making them explicit and finding win-win agreements.

When important aspects of the relationship are made explicit and agreed upon, there is less room for misunderstanding, disappointment, or hurt. Partners know where they stand with each other because expectations have been discussed rather than assumed.

I deliberately use the word agreements rather than rules or boundaries. Rules can sound authoritarian, punitive, and coercive. Rules imply hierarchy and can create a parent-child dynamic where one person dictates acceptable behaviour, and the other is expected to comply. On the other hand, while boundaries are essential, they can also become somewhat nebulous within relationships. Partners often say things like, “We need better boundaries,” without being entirely sure what that means in practice.

Agreements rest on the principle that both partners are capable adults who can collaborate and find mutual solutions. Every agreement communicates something important to your partner: this relationship matters enough for us to protect it consciously and intentionally. This is the bedrock of a secure functioning relationship.

Secure functioning asks couples to move away from reactive decision-making and towards deliberate collaboration. Instead of waiting for problems to emerge and then responding defensively, couples proactively create systems that reduce the likelihood of those problems occurring in the first place.

This is partly because our brains become considerably less intelligent when relationships feel threatened. Under stress, we become more self-protective, more rigid, and more focused on immediate survival. The relationship itself can quickly disappear from view as both people become consumed by their own frustration, fear, or hurt. We devolve from being in a two-person system to a one-person system. Clear, firm agreements protect the integrity of that relationship system when under threat or stress.

Formulating relationship agreements: start small

You don’t have to make an agreement for every single possibility in the relationship. That’s impossible and exhausting. You also don’t have to redesign your entire relationship overnight. To move towards secure functioning, it’s far more effective to identify one or two areas of recurring friction.

Ask yourselves:

• What conflicts do we keep having?
• What assumptions are we making about each other?
• What would help us both feel safer?
• What agreement could we create together?

Write it down. Be specific.

Once you have a list of areas where your relationship needs stronger agreements, you are ready to formulate them. In the next blog post, I’ll discuss how to go about making relationship agreements that stick.

If you’d like support in creating healthy agreements for your relationship, relationship therapy might be the help you need.