In the previous post I discussed the necessity of mutual and explicit relationship agreements as a foundation of secure functioning relationships. If you haven’t already, you can read that here.

TL;DR summary: relationships require agreements to avoid the conflict and misunderstanding that arises from different assumptions partners have about how relationships should function. What is clear and explicit is safer. Clear agreements help us when we’re under relational stress as they give us a framework to stay connected with our partners. They also help us avoid the danger of invisible contracts.

However, creating good agreements is an art in and of itself.

The three ingredients of a good agreement

There are three ingredients that help relationship agreements sustainably work: specificity, mutuality, and accountability.

1. Agreements need to be specific

Agreements need to be concrete and about something specific. Where many couples get into trouble is that their agreements are not specific enough. ‘We care for each other’ or ‘we communicate with each other’ are worthwhile notions but could mean different things to each partner. These statements describe intentions rather than agreements because they can be interpreted in multiple ways.

Specific agreements describe observable actions. ‘We care for each other by providing affection in the way that the other has asked for’ meets this criterion. The more specific an agreement becomes, the less room there is for confusion or misinterpretation.

Specificity also creates predictability, which is one of the building blocks of relational safety. Our nervous systems settle when we know what to expect from each other.

2. Agreements need to be mutual

Relationships are highly sensitive to fairness. People can tolerate many things in relationships, but persistent unfairness almost always breeds resentment. One of the easiest ways to build fairness into an agreement is to phrase it using the word ‘we.’

This can feel counterintuitive because agreements often emerge after one partner repeatedly does something that creates tension.

Imagine one partner routinely makes plans with extended family without consulting the other. It would be easy to create an individual agreement: ‘I will consult you before making family plans.’

A secure functioning agreement would instead become: ‘We consult each other before making plans involving our families.’ There are two reasons for this.

First, secure functioning rejects the idea that one person is the identified problem while the other becomes the supervisor. Parent-child dynamics are toxic to adult relationships because they create inequality. Second, mutual agreements create a shared culture. They establish a way of operating that both people are responsible for maintaining.

The relationship stops becoming about one person behaving better and instead becomes about both partners protecting the system they are creating together.

3. Agreements need accountability

Accountability is often misunderstood because people hear the word and think of punishment. Accountability simply means that the agreement is something we can clearly take demonstrable responsibility for maintaining. Accountability helps partners understand whether the agreement is being kept or not.

Accountability addresses the following important questions and helps partners stay on track:

• What exactly are we agreeing to?
• What does success look like?
• How will we know when we’ve drifted away from it?

For example, ‘we’ll be more affectionate’ is difficult to measure, whereas ‘we greet each other with a hug when we arrive home’ is much easier to observe. It is measurable and so partners can keep track of when accountability to agreements is being maintained or not. If partners are not hugging each other when they arrive home, they can see the agreement has not been met and take steps to rectify it.

When agreements break down

Every couple will break agreements from time to time. Life gets busy, stress takes over, and people forget. The mistake many couples make is treating a broken agreement as evidence that the relationship is failing or that someone doesn’t care enough.

In secure functioning relationships, broken agreements are expected and become opportunities for repair rather than blame. Before creating agreements, it’s worth deciding how you’ll respond when things inevitably go wrong. In fact, the very first agreement you make should be about how to manage and repair of broken agreements!

An agreement around broken agreements might mean assuming good intentions from each other, gentle reminders, timely repair (within an agreed amount of time) and revisiting agreements that no longer work. The goal is maintaining responsiveness to each other and to the relationship itself.

Final thoughts

At first, the process of formulating agreements might feel mechanical. However very few things that are important in life are left entirely to chance. We create routines around our health, our finances, and our work because we understand that structure supports consistency. Relationships are no different.

The strongest relationships are built by partners who intentionally create systems that make caring for each other easier. Over time, the small agreements you make with each accumulate and build predictability, trust, and reliability and lead to a secure functioning relationship.

Want to create amazing and secure agreements for your relationship? Reach out regarding relationship therapy.