Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is having a moment. More people are talking openly about relationships that allow for sex, intimacy, romance or emotional connection with more than one person, and many couples are exploring what it might mean to open a previously monogamous relationship.
Many couples approach CNM as an opening up of a previously monogamous relationship. This can feel exciting, as couples embark on a journey of self-growth, exploration, and experimentation with what’s possible in a relationship. Done well, CNM can make an existing relationship stronger and deeper. Done badly, CNM can undo a previously-sound relationship very quickly.
Opening a relationship isn’t a magic solution to relationship problems. In fact, it’s guaranteed that CNM will shine a spotlight on any existing cracks in your relationship and make them more visible.
That doesn’t mean you need to have a perfect relationship before considering non-monogamy. But it does mean it’s worth asking yourselves an important question: How will opening our relationship meaningfully take it forward?
If you can’t answer that, it’s worth slowing down before you start.
In this article, I’ll focus five red flags to look out for.
1. You’re opening the relationship to “fix” an existing problem
One of the most common traps is treating non-monogamy as a solution to a problem that already exists in the relationship. Couples might open the relationship to make up for the lack of sex, shared interests, or social engagement. Some couples imagine they will argue less, as seeing other people will give them time and space apart.
Opening a relationship might change some of those circumstances around these issues, but it doesn’t necessarily resolve the underlying problem. Instead, it becomes a means of avoiding the problem.
Issues found in your relationship before opening up will still be there afterwards. If you struggle to communicate about sex, introducing new sexual partners won’t remove the need to communicate about sex. If you feel disconnected from one another, having external relationships won’t automatically make you more connected.
Furthermore, by avoiding the issue, you miss developing the integral skill of coming together to work on and work through relationship difficulties.
2. One of you is agreeing because you’re afraid the other will leave
For a relationship to be consensually non-monogamous, both people need to have a meaningful choice about whether they participate. It must be freely chosen by both. It’s okay to have different levels of enthusiasm about CNM and it’s common for one person to be more excited, nervous or curious than the other. However, it’s never okay to coerce a partner into agreeing to a non-monogamous situation, whether overtly or with covert threats to the relationship. And agreeing to CNM because you are scared your partner will leave if you don’t agree, is not a free choice.
A relationship agreement made under threat isn’t an agreement. If one partner says, “Open the relationship or I’ll leave,” then the issue is not monogamy or non-monogamy but power, coercion and hierarchy.
Both partners must have an equal input into the direction and structure of the relationship. When one partner wants non-monogamy and the other doesn’t, a relationship approaches a deal-breaker situation. Deal breakers are incredibly painful and require difficult conversations.
However, the way to resolve deal breakers is not to get one partner to give in. It is to find outcomes that both partners freely choose.
3. You’re using CNM to avoid intimacy with each other
This can look similar to the first reason, but with an important difference.
Sometimes people are drawn to CNM partly because it allows them to avoid the vulnerability of going deeper with their existing partner. New relationships can be exciting, erotic and full of possibility. Who doesn’t enjoy relationship energy (NRE)! However, chasing NRE can be used to avoid the deep vulnerability that comes with being with another person long-term, staying present when things become complicated, disappointing or uncomfortable.
CNM provides a backdoor by which partners can get away and go see other partners without having to put in the effort of ongoing relating. It’s also a convenient way of postponing decisions about the future. Moving in together, getting married, having children, committing more deeply or confronting fundamental differences can feel less urgent when there is somewhere else to put your emotional energy.
Ask yourself: Am I opening this relationship because this is what I genuinely want, or because it gives me somewhere else to go when intimacy with my partner becomes difficult?
If you’re choosing it to avoid intimacy, then CNM’s probably not going to work out. If anything, CNM done well often requires considerably more emotional vulnerability, honesty and communication due to having to navigate boundaries, agreements, vulnerabilities and multiple relationship dynamics.
Choose wisely.
4. You think you don’t need agreements
Another warning sign is the belief that agreements somehow undermine the freedom of non-monogamy.
You might have heard people say things like, “We don’t have boundaries,” “We don’t want rules,” or “We just do whatever we want.”
Monogamous and non-monogamous relationships alike thrive on clear, explicit and mutual agreements. Relationships are not a free-for-all, and anything does not go. Even the most autonomous relationships have expectations about honesty, sexual health, communication, time, disclosures and consideration for one another.
Clear agreements aren’t necessarily about controlling each other. They are about creating enough predictability and safety for partners to navigate something inherently unpredictable. Having no agreements is a surefire way that someone will get hurt.
You don’t need to predict every possible scenario before opening up, but you do need to have some shared understanding of what you’re agreeing to and how you’ll revisit those agreements when circumstances change.
5. You don’t have a plan for rupture, jealousy and repair
As you journey along the road of CNM, things will come up. Guaranteed. Misunderstandings, hurts, jealousy are part of the course. One of the great aspects of CNM is that it provides opportunities to deal with aspects of ourselves that might not come to the surface in monogamous contexts. It’s one reason why many people who practice CNM are also self-development geeks.
However, you need a plan to deal with things when they come up. Winging it is not a useful relationship strategy when you’re making decisions that affect people you love.
How will you tell a partner that something has hurt? How will you slow things down when one person becomes overwhelmed? How will you repair after an agreement has been broken? When will you do check ins? When a partner comes home after a date or a night at a paramour’s place and it’s triggered the other partner’s abandonment wounds, how do you plan to deal with it?
Even if your plan changes or doesn’t work, it’s better to have some plan than no plan at all.
Final thoughts: How you open up matters
There is no single formula for a successful non-monogamous relationship. Different couples will want different things, and what works beautifully for one relationship may be completely wrong for another.
What matters more is that the decision is genuinely consensual, that you’re able to talk honestly about what you want and fear, and that you have the relational skills to navigate what happens next. And top of all of that is that you are choosing it for the right reasons. This requires real introspection and dialogue.
Don’t rush into CNM: it’s a journey. Not a destination.
If you are interested in safely and securely opening your relationship, reach out to learn more about CNM and polyam-affirming therapy and how we can help you.
