One of the most common complaints I hear as a relationship therapist is about inequity in household labour. In neurodivergent relationships, this can often look like one partner struggling to execute everyday tasks while the other becomes increasingly exasperated and exhausted from doing too much or carrying the load.
Complaints about inequity often follow a similar pattern. One partner starts to over-function, carrying the invisible load of managing the household while also reminding or cajoling their partner to maintain their end of the bargain. Their complaints are not just about the exhaustion of doing too much. It’s also the exhaustion of having to remember what needs doing, remind their partner to do it, check whether it has been done and sometimes redo it when it hasn’t been.
On the other side, the ADHD partner feels increasing levels of guilt and shame, which makes it even harder to do the things they know they need to do. Tasks are missed or done badly; promises are made, broken and re-made. The guilt and shame spiral increases.
Each partner gets entrenched in their position and anger and resentment accumulate on both sides. It’s a no-win situation.
In relationship therapy, we might describe this as an over- and under-functioning dynamic or a parent-child dynamic. Nobody wants to feel like they are the parent or child in a romantic relationship, and once a couple has fallen into this pattern it can be a difficult one to escape.
There is another important piece to this: fairness.
Research suggests that what matters in relationships isn’t necessarily an exactly equal 50/50 division of household labour, but whether the arrangement feels fair and equitable to both partners. Relationships have different capacities, preferences and responsibilities, and sometimes one person will quite reasonably do more than the other. There is nothing wrong with this, as long as it is mutually consensual and agreed upon between partners.
The problem is when one partner consistently feels that they are carrying more than their fair share. Research suggests that, as social animals, humans are highly attuned to (perceived or real) unfairness and inequity in social systems. In relationships prolonged unfairness becomes a toxic element that breeds resentment.
Why nagging doesn’t work
It’s easy to blame the ADHD partner and just say ‘try harder’ but ask any person with ADHD and they will tell you how much they are trying. Trying harder doesn’t cut it. ADHD brains have different executive functioning processes, which affects their ability to initiate, organise, sequence and follow through on tasks. Differences in motivation and reward processing may also play a role. This can be frustrating for the other partner, who often doesn’t feel like the ADHD partner should be rewarded for doing basic and necessary housework.
That doesn’t mean people with ADHD aren’t motivated, or that they need to be rewarded for doing basic household chores. It means that knowing something needs to be done isn’t always enough to reliably get it started and finished.
Repeated criticism creates a vicious cycle. The more one partner reminds, criticises or expresses frustration, the more the ADHD partner will likely experience shame and failure, making it harder to engage with the problem. Meanwhile, the other partner sees the lack of follow-through and becomes even more convinced that they can’t rely on their partner.
ADHD as a third
In the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), a third is any person, object, task, activity, or other outside element that intrudes into a couple bubble and interferes with secure functioning. Thirds include children, family, friends, work, hobbies, addictions, and technology. Thirds also include individual elements such as illnesses, disorders, disabilities, and mental health issues when they intrude between partners.
A third by itself isn’t necessarily problematic. What matters is how it is handled and whether partners allow it to displace, exclude, or threaten each other and the relationship bond.
When thirds are managed well, they are conjointly handled by partners. ADHD can become a third when the effects of ADHD start getting in the way of partners functioning as a team. That doesn’t mean the ADHD partner isn’t responsible for managing their ADHD. They are. It means that the consequences of ADHD don’t have to become a private problem for one person while the other person picks up the pieces.
It’s a shared problem
There is a saying in therapy: the person isn’t the problem; the problem is the problem.
The ADHD partner isn’t the problem in the relationship (likely they feel bad enough as it is). The problem is how partners manage the impact of ADHD on their shared life.
Reframing the situation from “one of us has ADHD and struggles with housework” to “our relationship has an issue managing household tasks in a way that feels equitable and fair”, shifts the focus from the person to the problem.
From a systemic perspective, partners develop patterns together. That doesn’t mean both partners are equally responsible for every behaviour. The ADHD partner still needs to take responsibility for their contribution to the household. At the same time, the over-functioning partner needs to recognise when they have started taking over, reminding, managing and compensating for everything that isn’t getting done.
The first step, however, is for partners to step back and accept that it is a shared problem. They need to stop working on each other and collaboratively work on the problem.
In the next article, I’ll provide some practical strategies you can use to build more equity into domestic life.
