If there’s one thing people most dread in relationships, it’s conflict. We avoid conflict or treat it as a hallmark of a dysfunctional or failing relationship. It’s understandable why we might have this view. Few of us have models of how to have healthy relationship conflict, and we live in a culture that romances the happily ever after relationship ideal.
Conflict is essential to healthy relationships as it drives change, growth, and intimacy. When done well, relationship conflict can feel like a welcome guest rather than the Grim Reaper.
A relationship without conflict is more likely in dire straits than a relationship riven by perpetual strife. Relationship expert, Dr John Gottman, observes that most relationships die by ice rather than fire. Couples that don’t fight have either given up on the relationship and are privately drifting away. They lack the resources to engage each other on difficult and important issues.
Under-resourced and disconnected partners often get to a point where they feel too distant from each other and decide to go their separate ways.
If couples are fighting, they are still engaged with each other and invested in the relationship and its outcomes. They still harbour hope for relationship change.
Healthy vs unhealthy conflict
It’s important to clarify what healthy conflict is and isn’t. Healthy conflict is not shouting, screaming, name-calling, put-downs, threatening the relationship; breaking or slamming things, or any acts of aggression; that’s dysregulation, acting out and, at the extreme, abuse.
Dysregulation takes individuals out of relationality and any conflict without relationality is a rupture. Acting out arises as a product of dysregulation. A rupture involves breaking the couple’s bubble in a manner that requires serious repair. Abusive acts are a red flag and a sign to leave a relationship.
Repairing a couple bubble takes a lot of energy (and goodwill). Not only must the preceding conflict be processed and integrated, but each partner must also re-attune to the other to return to a two-person, co-regulatory system. Repeated over an extended period, relationship ruptures will cause wear and tear on a couple’s system as it fosters exhaustion and resentment. Relationship conflict involving this kind of rupture is the kind we want to avoid.
Good conflict involves fighting while staying connected. At all times, one partner needs to stay regulated as that partner has a chance of externally regulating the other. If both partners become dysregulated, then it’s game over. If there is a pattern of one or both partners dysregulating during conflict, then that needs to be addressed as a priority so that couples can safely engage on important topics. Therapy can be a helpful way to address dysregulation patterns.
This is not to say that conflict can’t get heated, or voices won’t be raised. We’re allowed to get passionate about the things that matter to us. But if we want that to translate into positive relationship outcomes it must come from a place of regulation and relationality combined with a healthy dose of mutual respect.
Why we need relationship conflict
Conflict is important because it drives change in a relationship. It encourages partners to speak up about what’s important to them and identify and learn to respect each other’s differences. It builds communication, negotiation and self-reflection skills. It helps couples find their relationship boundaries and understand their guiding values. What’s not to love about all that?
Conflict often arises because one or both partners feel something is wrong and needs to be changed. Stan Tatkin, founder of the Psychobiological Method of Couples Therapy (PACT) states that there are usually five main topics of conflict in any relationship: money, sex, kids, family and mess.
Conflict prompts couples to reassess their shared dynamic and adjust so that the relationship grows more aligned with shared values and agreements. It encourages individual self-reflexiveness, so the couple can learn how to compromise with each other in a way that feels fair.
When we fight for things we care about, a relationship’s boundaries adjust to accommodate the values of both partners. Dr Gottman estimates that 69% of relationship conflicts are unresolvable. Couples get bogged down trying to solve the problem rather than managing the problem. Managing the problem involves finding the best possible compromise for both partners or learning to deal with the fact that a problem can’t be resolved.
Better conflict improves connection and intimacy. We develop better love maps of our partner’s internal world and values. Paradoxically, when our partner fights for what’s important to them, it becomes easier to trust them as we can feel that sentiments are not unexpressed. Healthy conflict helps us feel safer with our partner!
Gridlocked conflict
You might ask whether the kind of conflict where couples fight around the same thing repeatedly demonstrates that couples are stuck or there’s something wrong with the relationship.
Stuck or “gridlocked” conflict is often not a sign of a broken relationship but a sign of unheard or unmet dreams lying underneath the conflict. The way to escape gridlocked conflict is to express those dreams and have them heard and validated by your partner. It doesn’t necessarily mean those dreams will manifest, but safely voicing them is necessary to break the conflict cycle.
In the next entry, I will discuss how to fight well in your relationship using neurobiology and effective communication. In the third part, I will write about how to quickly and effectively repair when conflict does lead to rupture.
Reach out to learn more about relationship therapy and how we can help you resolve relationship conflict for deeper connection.
